While the Love and Logic® approach doesn't teach parents to be bossy or demanding, we do recognize that there are times when we simply need our kids to help us right away. Listed below are some steps for making this happen.
Step One: Make sure that you are doing a good job of helping your kids when they ask you.
Step Two: Ensure that they have something they really value. At a later date, losing this item or privilege can be used as a consequence.
Step Three: Hope and pray that they will either refuse or "forget" to do something you ask them to do for you "right away."
Step Four: In a sweet and respectful tone of voice, ask them to do something for you "right now."
Step Five: When they refuse or "forget," let them think that everything is just fine. Don't say a word. Later in the day, or possibly later in the week, say something like, "I love you so much. I've noticed that you don't think it's important to help me when I ask you to do things for me right away. The sad thing is that this shows me that you aren't really mature enough to have_______________________." (Insert mp3 player, cell phone, driving privileges, etc.)
Another strategy involves saying, "This is so sad. I love you so much. I _________________ (Insert iron clothes, drive places, buy nice snacks, etc.) for kids who help me quickly when I ask them to.”
Of course, displaying empathy, resisting the urge to lecture, and holding firm will make the difference between success and failure.
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible.
Dr. Charles Fay
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
I thought this was a good one from Love and Logic.
It Really Isn't Fair!
Have you ever seen adults get trapped into arguing with their kids about something being fair? I’m sure that you’ve never fallen into this snare, but I bet you’ve seen your neighbors do it.
You already know that when kids cry “Not fair!” they aren’t judging our fairness by some objective standard. They’re just trying to get us to give in. Fortunately, you also know that Love and Logic teaches us how to avoid getting “hooked” into these debates.
The less we think, and the fewer words we use, the less likely we'll get pulled into epic arguments with our kids.
Love and Logic parents and educators around the world have had great results going "brain dead" when kids begin to whine, "Not fair!" This allows them to avoid saying what they'd like to say (e.g., "Well it's about time you learned that life isn't fair! How many times do I need to tell you…?"), and provide a calm and respectful "I love (or respect) you too much to argue" instead.
Lecturing our kids doesn't really teach them to accept the occasional "un-fair-ness" of life. Despite centuries of parents attempting this, their offspring have still had to learn this the hard way—through experience with the world. Kids are far more likely to learn how to gracefully accept frustrations and disappointments when we stop trying to convince them that life is fair, and begin allowing them simply to experience the good, the bad and the ugly aspects of real life.
Too frequently, loving and fair parents try way too hard to be fair, and to defend themselves when their kids complain. When they do, they send the unrealistic message that somehow life really can be fair—at least if you argue and manipulate enough. Instead of falling into this trap, experiment with going "brain dead" and repeating, "I love you too much to argue." It'll make them mad in the short-term and a whole lot more respectful in the long-term.
Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay
It Really Isn't Fair!
Have you ever seen adults get trapped into arguing with their kids about something being fair? I’m sure that you’ve never fallen into this snare, but I bet you’ve seen your neighbors do it.
You already know that when kids cry “Not fair!” they aren’t judging our fairness by some objective standard. They’re just trying to get us to give in. Fortunately, you also know that Love and Logic teaches us how to avoid getting “hooked” into these debates.
The less we think, and the fewer words we use, the less likely we'll get pulled into epic arguments with our kids.
Love and Logic parents and educators around the world have had great results going "brain dead" when kids begin to whine, "Not fair!" This allows them to avoid saying what they'd like to say (e.g., "Well it's about time you learned that life isn't fair! How many times do I need to tell you…?"), and provide a calm and respectful "I love (or respect) you too much to argue" instead.
Lecturing our kids doesn't really teach them to accept the occasional "un-fair-ness" of life. Despite centuries of parents attempting this, their offspring have still had to learn this the hard way—through experience with the world. Kids are far more likely to learn how to gracefully accept frustrations and disappointments when we stop trying to convince them that life is fair, and begin allowing them simply to experience the good, the bad and the ugly aspects of real life.
Too frequently, loving and fair parents try way too hard to be fair, and to defend themselves when their kids complain. When they do, they send the unrealistic message that somehow life really can be fair—at least if you argue and manipulate enough. Instead of falling into this trap, experiment with going "brain dead" and repeating, "I love you too much to argue." It'll make them mad in the short-term and a whole lot more respectful in the long-term.
Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay
Thursday, March 3, 2011
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